


Straight Ain't So Great

by LeastExpected_Archivist



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Humor, M/M, Romance, Slash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2002-02-04
Updated: 2002-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:40:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26543086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeastExpected_Archivist/pseuds/LeastExpected_Archivist
Summary: By Sweet Dreams.*SLASH* S/F M/P A/B L/Glor When Sam's parents suspect he is gay, they send him to a homosexual correction center to be 'normal' again. At first he is determined, but then.
Relationships: Aragorn | Estel/Boromir (Son of Denethor II), Frodo Baggins/Sam Gamgee, Glorfindel/Legolas Greenleaf, Merry Brandybuck/Pippin Took
Kudos: 1
Collections: Least Expected





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Amy Fortuna, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Least Expected](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Least_Expected), which has been offline since 2002. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Least Expected collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/leastexpected/profile).
> 
> Disclaimer: Sam belongs to Frodo, Frodo belongs to Sam, and they both belong to Tolkien.  
> Story Notes: This is an AU, meaning none of the Fellowship has met before and that there would never be a place like this in Middle Earth.  
> Visit my dead journal! [www.deadjournal.com/users/sweetsexyslash](www.deadjournal.com/users/sweetsexyslash)  
> Idea for this based on the movie But I'm a Cheerleader.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Chapter begins as Sam arrives at the center for the first time.

Sam looked up at the bright blue building with total disgust. What a horrible place, what a horrible, horrible place. 

Sure, it was nice enough, very large and well built, with lots of windows. The small garden in front was very pretty too, and appeared well taken care of, but at second glance you realized it was fake. The plastic daises and roses shined in the glaring sunlight, but not from any dew, just from mass-produced petals and stems, made in some factory where no one cared how ugly the fakeness felt. Obviously no one at this place cared enough to keep a garden alive and prospering. 

There were fields surrounding the place, mostly unkempt with brown-ish dirt, but one field of lush green with a net at each end. A forest bordered the whole back, enclosing the property from the back, while a large fence guarded the front where Sam had just come in. His father had left a few minutes ago, leaving Sam standing alone with his suitcase, his anger, and only one thing on his mind. Why was he here? 

Still afraid to enter the ominous building, Sam's thoughts drifted back to yesterday evening. He had just come back from working in the fields of a neighboring farmer's land, his sweat-slicked shirt hanging over his shoulder as he walked back home. It had been a particularly hot day, the fiery sun beating down on him as he worked. He was sure his back must be red as the sun's flickering flames by now, as the burn sure felt like it! 

But the sun was setting, and a tired and weary Sam could not wait to get home to a good meal with his family. He also wanted to write about his day, as he did often in his private journal. The harvest had been uncommon good, and he had delighted in the company of three other lads, whereas he normally worked alone. It was always so nice to just be out enjoying the day with some other lads, almost as if he was not working at all, but just being one of the boys. 

But as he rounded the bend to his hut, Sam saw a strange wagon parked near the door. It was much too large for any hobbit, and a horse, the large and towering figure at its front, would certainly not be used by any hobbit in his right mind. Wondering who it could be, and hoping all was well, he sprinted into the house. 

When he walked into the smial's main room, he gasped and dropped the gardening tools in his hands. Along with father and siblings, Rosie Cotton and her brothers were also crowded in to the very full room. There was also, to Sam's shock, a tall elf. Before a speechless Sam could even try to say anything, the elf came over and shook his hand. 

"Hello!" he said brightly, with an air of giddiness in his voice. He wore a sort of long shirt, belted around the waist so that it hung a bit over his tight leather pants. The shirt appeared to be some sort of velvet, and embroidered on it were the words `Straight is Great!'. Sam puzzled over that for a moment, but his mind too numb to think, he just stood and listened in amazement as the tall elf spoke. 

"I'm Glorfindel, Sam! Nice to meet you!" 

"Nice to meet you too" Sam managed to get out. "But why are you all here?" 

"Your family and friends want to have a little talk with you." chirped Glorfindel "I'm here to help facilitate that dialogue." 

"Is every thing ok?" Sam asked, worried that perhaps someone had died, or they were going to lose the house. 

"Well..." said his father, trailing off. He looked flustered, wring his hat in his hands as he searched for the right words, his face growing redder by the second. "Well Sam, me an' some of your friends have been talkin', an' we think......we think......that your are-" 

"Sam" said Rosie, speaking up. "Sam, we think that you are gay." 

The last word of the accusation struck Sam like a slap across the cheek. "Gay?" he spluttered, choking on the words as he tried to defend himself. "I'm not gay!" 

"Denial is an important part of the healing process!" voiced Glorfindel 

"Then why do you hate kissing me, or any other girls, for that matter?" accused Rosie 

"And why do you love gardenin' so much, and cooking delights you to no end!" defended one of the Cottons. 

"That is typical gay behavior." Glorfindel added calmly. 

"Well, I-I-I" 

Sam was interrupted by his father, who held up a large sack of carrots. "How about your new favorite food, Sam? You keep bags in your room! And there always seems to be one in your mouth." 

"I-I" 

"Its typical symbolism!" added Glorfindel 

"And what `bout this Sam?" said his sister May, holding up Sam's beloved diary. It was colored a light faded pink, as a result of white paper and an accident with a glass of beet juice. "I don't think many boys have one of these!" 

"And your such a little docile thing, Sam!" accused his brother Halfred. "You never want to play ball with us, or go hunting, you would much rather read or write in that girly diary of yours!" 

"But-Bu" 

"Now Sam," said Glorfindel placidly "there is a place where you can go to fix this problem. A place where you can become normal again. A place called-" 

"But I'm not GAY!" shouted Sam "Why doesn't anyone believe me?" 

But no one had listened, and now he was here, here at True Directions. The large sign over the center stated this proudly, along with the motto, `Straight is Great!'. This was a place for gay teens to be reformed, to be `straightened out' to put it bluntly. A center where parents sent their homosexual children that they were ashamed of, in the hopes of leaving with a heterosexual that they could be proud of. And Sam was properly ashamed of being here! He was not gay, he was not! 

Just then, the familiar face of Glorfindel walked out to greet him, practically skipping down the path. Behind him was a blond Elven woman, her face stern and cold. She gave Sam a look of utter disgust, peering far down her nose to meet his nervous glance. 

"Hello Samwise Gamgee." she said in a razor sharp voice. "My name is Galadriel. I am the owner, founder, and main instructor of your home for the next two months." She was then silent, but continued her glare, as Sam decided instantly he did not like the looks of her, nor her attitude. He had a feeling this was going to be hell. 

"Come in, come in!" said the seemingly-ever spunky Glorfindel, breaking the tension between the two. He led Sam towards the main building, Galadriel disappearing from Sam's line of sight. "Everyone else got here a few day's ago, but we'll get you acquainted soon enough. But first let's show you around!" 

Glorfindel tugged a reluctant Sam inside, leaving his suitcase at the door. The entire main room was white, as were all the doors in the hall. There were two small couches in the main room, one blue and one pink. There was a large chair in front of them, in command of the small group that would sit there. 

"This is the meeting room. You will meet here every morning, to be given assignments, and sometimes for group counseling. These doors lead to private conference rooms, and that one" he said, pointing to the door at the end, a very fancy one surrounded by intricate moldings of marble "that one is Galadriel's office. You better not go in there!" he finished with a giggle. 

Sam nodded and flashed a false smile, but he was now a bit scared as well as mad at himself for getting sent here. Glorfindel smiled back, and led him outside; pointing to the fields Sam had seen earlier. 

"These are the activity fields, where you may be doing your activities some days. Or you may be in the Activity House." He gestured to the drab looking white building. "And these are the dorm rooms." he now pointed to four buildings, two pink and two blue. "This is where you will be staying. Each has four beds, and a four-stalled bathroom. You will be in the blue hobbit sized dorm, with three other boys." 

As Glorfindel said that, Sam became even more confused. If he was supposed to be gay (but he was not, he repeated to himself) why were they putting him in a room with three other lads? It made no sense to him; it was practically asking them to do things at night, forbidden things............ 

But he had no time to dwell on that thought, as Glorfindel was already showing him something else. 

"This is our progress chart. Out program here at True Directions is based on seven steps. After you complete a step, we check off your name on the chart. The first step, which the others have already completed, is Admitting Your Homosexuality. But I am sure you will complete it in no time!" 

Sam seriously doubted this, but he nodded politely and kept listening. 

"Come on!" said a now very excited Glorfindel "It's time for you to meet your classmates!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a continuation of the previous chapter, as Sam meets his classmates and discovers something about himself.

Against his will Sam was led to a small clearing, where the group was gathered. The seven figures sat on long benches, and Sam was sat by Glorfindel's forceful hands onto a chair in front of them. They all looked at him with suspicion, wondering who he was, but the quieted down when Glorfindel began to speak and introduce him. 

Ignoring what the elf was saying, Sam took the chance to get a good look at them. The first thing he noticed was they all wore the same blue uniform, blue shorts and a blue polo shirt with the school motto embroidered on the pocket. Sam eyed them with a note of disgust, assuming he would be wearing one before the day was out. But at least he did not have to wear a uniform like the one girl did, her bright pink dress made her stick out like a sore thumb. She looked pretty giddy, as apposed to the depressed Sam, but then again most of them looked depressed. 

Sam snapped back to attention just as Glorfindel instructed the group to introduce themselves. 

The first to stand was a solemn teenage boy. He had shoulder length dark hair, a bit dirty and matted, that hung over the grim expression on his face. He also looked as if he had not shaved in a few days, let alone bathed. "Hello, I'm Aragorn. Swordsman, ranger, and homosexual." 

The next to stand was a hobbit, who looked to be very young, perhaps 16 or 17. He looked a combination of nervous and near laughter as he stood, brushing dark strawberry blonde hair away from his green eyes. "I'm Pippin Took. Future Thain of the Shire, and homosexual." 

And before Pippin even had the chance to sit, another hobbit stood up, this one looking to be about Sam's age. He had dark blonde curls, gray brown eyes, and a huge smirk across his face. "I'm Merry Brandybuck, and I like lads. A lot." Pippin laughed at that, as Sam let out a little gasp at the hobbit's boldness. The little Took gave Merry a big smile, and cuffed him jokingly as he sat down, making them both giggle furiously. 

Deciding it was best to just ignore what Merry had just said; Sam looked to the next student. The tall elf stood up in a flouncy manner, brushing back his sheet of white-blonde hair. Sam noticed that he was quite pale, and though his features were sharp, they were almost androgynous. "Hi Sam! I'm Legolas! Archer, Prince of Mirkwood, and homosexual!" he said brightly, flashing Sam a large smile. 

Next to stand was the girl, a dark haired female elf. There was a chain around her neck, with what appeared to be a long white spike. She smiled at Sam, giving him a little wave. "Like Hi!" she giggled, her high pitched squeal similar to Legolas'. "I'm Arwen! I'm like the Princess of Rivendell, and a, like, homo!" 

She sat down with a bounce as the next boy stood up with an expression that could have curdled milk on his face. He was shorter than Aragorn, and the elves Legolas and Arwen. He also had long, matted hair, but his was a very light brown. His eyes were very sharp, squinted and glaring at the same time. "I'm Boromir. Future Stewart of Gondor, and homosexual." 

Then the last boy stood, and Sam's breath was caught in his throat. He seemed to be a hobbit, but more delicately beautiful and mysteriously enchanting than any hobbit Sam had ever seen. He was small, maybe 20 in appearance, and very thin, seemingly malnourished, most unusual for a hobbit. His tousled hair was as black as a winter's night, in stark contrast to the snow white skin it framed. His features were defined and sculpted, giving him an almost elvish and very exotic look. 

At first his eyes were closed, but as he stood they slowly opened to look at Sam as the latter gasped. His eyes were the brightest blue Sam had ever seen, making a robin's egg or a summer sky pale by comparison. This was the most wonderful person Sam had ever seen, so perfect and untainted by work or weather. For a second Sam forgot that they were supposed to be gay, and was content to just gaze at the boy, wishing he could see more of that small body, the only one covered by pants and long sleeves, or at the very least know his name. 

"Hullo Sam, I'm Frodo Baggins." He said very quietly, almost a whisper. "and I'm a homosexual." 

The boy then sat down, Sam eyes still fixed on him in wonderment. 

"Sam. Sam! Eh-HEM! SAM!" Glorfindel shouted into Sam's ear, shattering his dream state. Sam snapped up in attention, reluctantly tearing his eyes off of Frodo. "It's your turn Sam! Time for step one!" 

Suddenly, Sam's head swum with a million thoughts. How could he say he was gay when he was not? But how would he ever get better without admitting it? But no! He was fine, he was fine......... 

But then his thoughts rushed back to what his friends had said. How kissing Rosie, or any other girl, made him feel nothing inside, with the exception of utter disgust. And when he had lain with a lass, for his first time, he felt nothing. None of passion, or the pleasure that the other lads had gone on about, boasting how many lasses they'd done. His heart had not rejoiced, or been filled with love and warmth, as he imaged, all he got was a hangover the next morning from all the ale he had to drink before he could even imagine she was pretty. And cooking and gardening, he did love those. Farming was all right, but he especially liked it when he worked with other lads in the fields. When they took their shirts off, their strong, tanned chests heaving as they worked, sweat shining in the......... 

No! NO! He could not.........he could not......... 

Sam looked up at the faces in front of him, desperately searching for some kind, any kind of answer. But all he could she was the small body of Frodo, his eyes closed and his head hung. Hadn't he just been thinking about how beautiful he was? 

no......no......no......no......no......no......no......no......... 

"I'm a homosexual" Sam whispered in disbelief, numb in a state of shock. "I'm a homosexual" he repeated a bit louder. "I'm a homosexual!" he finally shouted, bursting into tears. The whole group (prompted by Glorfindel) stood, and pulled him intro a hung as his body was wracked with sobs. 

"Valar, they were right" he whispered after everyone had left, still sobbing alone in the chair. "They were all right" 

It was true. He was really gay. But he was determined to fight it.........almost.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a continuation of the previous chapter. Sam and his roommates talk, as Sam falls deeper into love.

About an hour later, Sam was sitting on his new bed, still softly crying. Glorfindel, seeing how upset he was, told him that he could start his activities tomorrow. Sam had almost refused, he wanted to be 'cured' as fast as possible, but he had insisted, saying he had to unpack anyway. He had also excused him from dinner, as he had been on the verge of throwing up from his grief. He had also been given his uniforms, and a set of uniform pajamas, which he had put on. 

As Sam unpacked (which seemed pointless to him, as he would be wearing the uniforms every day) he looked around the room. It was all blue, blue walls and blue carpets, all the same shade as his new wardrobe. There were four beds, evenly spaced throughout the room. Each of the beds had its own accompanying dresser, blue of course. Two of the beds were unmade and messy, with clothes strew about their bottoms, while one was done up neatly. The bathroom was a small room off the main one, with four stalls and four showers, all done in blue tile. 

Suddenly, the hobbit sized door burst open, and Merry, Pippin, and Frodo walked in. They wore the usual uniforms (except for Frodo, with his pants and long sleeves), but the cloth was slick with sweat, as were their faces. Sam guessed that they had been running around outside, as they were all breathing heavily and looked winded, especially the small Frodo. They acknowledged Sam with a hurried wave and quick smile, but the sprinted for the showers to get cleaned off, Frodo grabbing his pj's from the dresser next to the neatly made bed. 

As the door clicked shut, Sam heard the sounds of the showers starting, and the splashing of water. He could also hear a soft voice singing, a slow melodic tune with words in a language Sam did not understand. For a minute he wondered if the music came from Frodo, but he stopped himself and continued to unpack. 

A little while later, the water stopped and the bathroom door opened with a click. Out walked two dripping and giggling hobbits; naked except for towels wrapped around their waists. Frodo, however, was already dried off and in his pajamas; once again his outfit had long sleeves with pants. 

Sam gaped at Merry and Pippin's appearance, forcing himself not to look at their chests, but rather at the carpet beneath his toes as a hot blush rose to his face and his groin tightened. 

"Hello Sam!" said a bright voice in his ear. Sam snapped around, and saw Merry standing over his shoulder, a smirk on his face. "We didn't get properly introduced. I'm Meriadoc Brandybuck, but you can call me Merry. Welcome to True Directions!" he added sarcastically, causing himself and Pippin to break into a spasm of giggles. "I'm twenty-two. How old are you?" Merry then asked, after he had composed himself. 

"Twenty-four. I'm twenty-four." He stammered, avoiding Merry's gaze by looking around the room. Frodo, at the bed next to Sam's, was folding his clothes and putting them away. Pippin bounced up and down on the bed at the far end, holding his towel with his hands. Noticing Sam looking at him, Pippin jumped off the bed and scampered over to Sam, holding out his hand for Sam to shake. 

"Hullo! I'm Pippin! I'm only fourteen though!" the hobbit added with a giggle. 

"F-fo-fourteen?" Sam stammered, not able to think of anything else to say to the child so much younger than him. 

"I'm precocious, that's what Merry says!" Pippin said, a hint of giddiness in his voice. 

"Oh" Sam said softly, guessing the meaning of that word. Now Frodo got up, and slowly walked over to Sam, grasping Sam's hand in his to shake it. Sam ignored the tingles that raced through his whole body, or the longing he felt to hold that hand much longer. Frodo then spoke, in a soft, whispery voice that Sam wished to hear over and over again. 

"I'm Frodo Baggins. It's very nice to meet you." He said, a slight smile forming on the sides of his mouth. 

"And how old are you Frodo?!" said Merry (who obviously already knew), in a teasing voice. This angered Sam a bit, why was Merry picking on Frodo, who cared how old he was? Buy his looks he was about Sam's age, but Sam wouldn't care if he was younger than Pippin! But Frodo just said it with as much confidence as he could muster, putting up his all too familiar strong front. 

"Thirty-nine" 

Sam jumped at that, the least expected of them all. Not only was Frodo fifteen years older than him, he also looked much too small for his age, he was practically fifteen in appearance. But what really got him was that this was an adult in front of him! 

Not that his age mattered to an infatuated Sam, too consumed at the moment with battling his lust to care about age. But if he was an adult, Why was he here? 

Merry's voice once again broke the silence. "I'd better be gettin' to the bathroom to get changed. Wouldn't want to give anyone a hard on with my gorgeous body!" he added with a flourish, Pippin for the thousandth time exploding into a fit of laughter. 

After Merry had disappeared into the bathroom, Frodo turned back to Sam. Sam was unfazed by their age difference, and he noticed how this brightened Frodo's mood considerably, although he seemed a bit too happy now, as if part of it was an act of sorts. "Don't mind Merry, Sam." said Frodo, the small smile now gracing his face. 

"Is he always like that?" Sam inquired 

"Oh, no. He's much worse!" Frodo laughed quietly, his face lighting up. Sam caught a gasp in the back of his throat, as he stared at Frodo's shining face. Valar, he was beautiful. 

"Pippin here can be pretty bad too." Frodo added, gesturing to the lad, who was now jumping back and fourth from Merry's bed to his own, his towel in grave danger of falling off. 

"Yup, I am!" Pippin stated proudly. "Hey, Sam, wanna hear a joke?" 

"Sure!" said Sam, a smile now gracing his face. 

"OK, here it is." said Pippin, sitting on the bed next to Frodo and across from Sam. "This hobbit goes into a bar and says to the bartender `Give me six pints of ale'. `Wow!' says the bartender `what happened to you?'. He replies `I just found out that my older brother is gay.'" 

"The next day the same guy comes in, and again he orders six pints of ale. `Jeez!' says the bartender `What happened now?'. He says `I just found out that my younger brother is gay.'" 

Then the next day, the guy comes in again, and once again orders six pints of ale. `Valar' says the bartender `Doesn't anyone in your family like women?'. `Yes' replies the hobbit `My wife'" Pippin finished, a grin on his face. 

"Oi! Pip!" came a voice from the bathroom. "I believe that is my joke! I'll get you for that!" yelled Merry , storming out of the bathroom. He grabbed for Pippin, but the Took slipped out of his grasp and sprinted into the one of the bathroom's toilet stalls, clicking the lock. Merry ran in after him, laughing and pounding on the door, telling an equally giggly Pippin that he had just been kidding. 

Normally to Sam this would have been funny, if not for the shadow that had settled over him. He tried not to show it, but the joke had torn up his insides all over again, another slap in the face that he was a freak, a disgusting, unlovable freak. 

That question in the joke, `Doesn't anyone in your family like women' once again left him with no answer to the similar question in his mind. Why didn't he like them? 

"Oh bother." said Frodo, noticing the tears welling up in Sam's eyes. "Just ignore them, and their jokes. He shouldn't have told that. I'm sorry." He got up, walking to his bed and sliding under his covers. "Goodnight, Sam" 

Sam lay down on his bed, trying not to cry, and cast himself into hopefully dreamless sleep.


End file.
